A series of essays….
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A SHARED AGREEMENT MARKING THE BEGINNING OF A NEW LIFETIME: LOVING KINDNESS - COMPASSION EQUANIMITY - JOY EQUAL TRUE LOVE! |
….as seen through my eyes!
By: Jacqueline E Hughes
I tend to write about stories on subjects that interest me even though my readers aren’t particularly keen on the subject. Case in point: marriage longevity. Since this topic tends to outline my world right now, I will proceed by blending my words gently into the soft folds and multi-angled layers of reality; a truth and consequences reality that shapes us into the human beings that we are and the human beings we hope to become.
Okay, we did it! Forty-nine married years later we have remained calm (well, for the most part) and carried on through thick and thin and everything in between. I’m quite proud of us, actually. There are others who, given the many trials and tribulations encountered in nearly five decades of married life, would have and did just walk away—never to look back again, with no regrets whatsoever and no accounting for the effort and time it takes to enter into marriage in the first place.
Granted, since I don’t live down in a dark hole, I understand that some marriages were never meant to be and the realization of this is to know when to walk away as calmly as possible (hopefully, before having children), create space, and go on with life within a kinder, healthier atmosphere. To all of you, I award hero status because continuing to live a lie is never a healthy scenario.
Going into marriage with the realization that nobody is perfect, especially yourself, and trying to create a good life together while retaining your own individualist qualities is a challenge we all face after (and before) saying these two words, ‘I do.’ No one is truly prepared for the commitment required to keep this union thriving until you commit to living with someone 24/7 for the rest of your life.
The rest of your life—this may sound like a death-knell for some. For others, it signifies comfort and stability.
Whether we begin our marital journey blissfully, chaotically, or,
solely by contract—we have agreed to honor ourselves by honoring another within a lifelong pledge to love and be responsible for the well-being of one another. If we are committed to a strong foundation, this show of obligation will become a desired theme throughout the marriage and both parties will discover, one way or another, how to make this happen. Wedding vows were never meant to be taken lightly.
And this is exactly why it took me nearly four years to say, “Yes, I will marry you!” Stubborn, perhaps. Afraid, not in the least? Insecure, more likely. Tossed between desiring a solid, stable way of life including all of the obligations and outcomes of being a wife, a husband, we were both quite young. Did we really know what we were doing? Did we know what to expect? I believe we did. Hence my apprehensions. I had such lofty ambitions career wise and society was dictating that they would never transpire if I placed being married before a career. I wasn’t certain I could do both, especially after having children.
Dan always seemed to understand what he wanted from life. Just as college groomed his career, marrying me, he believed, would align his world with the huge push forward towards peace, cooperation, family, and happiness. He never counted on the stubborn lass he chose to marry! Or, perhaps by now, he did. I was the writer, soon to be world traveler, the possible stewardess (flight attendant), committed francophile, and everything else that made me who I was and the person I always needed to be. I was the romantic who fell in love with the realist.
My make believe world often collided with his stronghold on reality. What do they say about opposites attracting one another? Let me walk this back a little and say that a wee bit of fear may have crossed my mind the first three times he asked me to marry him.
Just as the Trump (I did not just type that name!!!) legal staff was told by the special master, “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too!,” I gave into true love after four years and four proposals and believed that everything else I’d longed for would, eventually, fall into place.
We have traveled to places that my heart desired to see for many years. We climbed a mountain in Ireland, taken our two daughters on a four country, European journey while initiating the so-called ‘travel bug’ into their life itineraries, met lifelong friends in France and Ireland, and deliberately immersed ourselves into the cultural aspects of every place we visited. And, I have had ample opportunity to collect enough amazing memories for my writing to last—well, to last until the next journey we take if and when we can feel comfortable doing so. COVID-19 has rocked the travel world big time and now we must learn to adjust, believe, and move forward even if it’s with baby steps.
So, next year will mark a milestone anniversary for us. Fifty years isn’t too shabby considering we’ve been fortunate enough to be quite healthy along the way. I pray we stay so blessed. Marking time by age/anniversaries is truly just a number when things run smoothly and everything adds up to be in working order. Encouraged by a world coming to terms with a pandemic that has devastated so many families in its wake, we will continue to get our various boosters and hope that most of the world’s population does, as well.
Reintroducing myself to the wonderful poet, essayist, and author, David Whyte, on social media, I recently came across his words defining the word BEGINNING from CONSOLATIONS: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words. I leave you with an excerpt from his brilliant interpretation of the word beginning as I recognize it after almost fifty years of riding the roller coaster of married life. And, a solid foundation was built…
“BEGINNING
well or beginning poorly, what is important is simply to begin, but the ability to make a good beginning is almost close to an art form: beginning well involves a clearing away of the confusing, the irrelevant and the complicated to find the beautiful, often hidden lineaments of the essential and the necessary.”
—David Whyte and Many Rivers Press
Thank you, David.
Dan and I may just be working on something very special for the BIG 50 next September! We’re both pretty psyched about it! Specific details to follow in a later post.
Copyright © 2022 by Jacqueline E Hughes
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