A series of essays....
Photo Courtesy: sheknows
....as seen through my eyes!
By: Jacqueline E. Hughes
It’s a fact that laughter is a universal form of communication. So, as I sit here alone and laughing, tears beginning to roll down my face, I realize that I am sending out, into the atmosphere of tension, numerous mixed messages. You see....I am a woman of a certain age and have lived through (and survived) the mind-blowing attitude that women are subservient to men. And, I know that it’s in a woman’s DNA to process this information and make everything work out for everyone else involved, often excluding herself.
Unfortunately, I know first-hand that women, even in 2018, are their own worst enemies. Let me explain...
For eons it has been pounded into our heads that women are secondary (at best) citizens, forever born to stand behind the men who will love, protect, and lead them into the Promised Land! Provided, of course, that women adhere to their rules and regulations. Women have been threatened via fear since the beginning of time. Females have been portrayed as the ‘weaker sex,’ both mentally and physically, for so long that it has been indelibly tattooed on their brains and psyche and, far too often, women have accepted this label as fact.
Yes, we feared being alone, having to live in poverty, not being able to protect our children, and even damnation itself if we did not adhere to the laws of the men who ruled and lorded over us. Mostly, we feared ourselves, our own bodies and sexuality, and tapped into the idea that if we capitalized on our sexuality and intelligence we would not only damn ourselves, but take good men down with us. The ‘Me Too’ movement has been enlightening, however, my Catholic upbringing will forever haunt me with shadows of guilt, lost opportunities of happiness, and sabotaged personal progress.
You can argue that circumstances have evolved and this idea of being poor, downtrodden females is just a ghost of a thought that’s blowing away along with the winds of change. But, has it really? I believe this wind is more like a slight breeze instead.
Women continue to second guess themselves in an age when we should be supporting one another and making-up for lost time, if you will. Many of the men who happen to surround me today, including my husband, have become important support engines for all women and honor our independence by placing women on an even plane within their own personal and working relationships. God bless all of them! You know who you are.
And yet, it’s women who continue to upset the 'balance of life' by not accepting independent thought and equality among one another. Not only must strong women have to fight for the right to compete with men on a level playing field, but they are realizing that their competition includes many other women who continue to fail all of us by, simply, not believing in their own independence and personal power.
I was not encouraged to express myself at home while growing up. I did it anyway and, often, paid the price for my words and actions. Because life didn’t always work out for my own father, he could be a bully and take out his frustrations on my mother, and in time, on me. He was of a generation that believed it was, is, and will always be a man’s world and that women, like children, were to be seen and not heard. Higher education was meant for his sons and not for his daughter because what a waste of time and money when, “All she will do is get married and have babies to raise, anyway.” This attitude served to encourage my voice; give me strength to challenge this belief in a loud cadence that followed me through college, marriage, and, eventually, having my own children to love and raise.
The Mother that I am today is the direct result of my own, dear Mother. She was a product of the 1920’s who grew up in poverty, digested the ramifications of WWII, and by the time she was a housewife in the ‘50’s with four children of her own, her lifestyle included fear and subservience, to a certain degree. She was never taught to drive a car and I often believed her independence suffered greatly because of this.
I loved my Mother deeply and would do anything for her. She was my ‘rock’ for many reasons. She always loved my three brothers and me and tried to do what was best for us even though her life was far from ideal. As we were growing up, we witnessed her joy, pain, and disappointment and knew that she often made delicious lemonade out of a basketful of lemons. I know that I became a stronger person by learning from all of her ‘life lessons’ and, being her only daughter, that was very important for both of us.
By the time I had my own girls in the ‘70’s, Dan and I consciously spoke to them as being small adults who had sense and supported, if not encouraged, the idea that they would exercise common sense within their daily lives as time progressed. For myself, the lessons in ‘common sense usage’ went far beyond anything else I could teach them.
There was never anything ‘off limits’ and we, as parents, encouraged our two daughters to talk with us about everything and with absolutely no limitations. Being honest with us at all times was of utmost priority because we would always be honest with them. We inspired them to dream big without any gender limitations. They felt as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as they did in a dress and shiny, patent leather shoes on Easter Sunday. Even so, there were many barriers for them that had yet to be broken down, trashed, and replaced by new and powerful dreams.
Even when you believe you’ve done your job well, the results of your labor can surprise you. Many women of my own generation, along with those that followed us, have not been able to fight off the stigma of being suspicious of one another. We still comment in a negative light about our looks and self-esteem, judge how successful in life we think we are based on money and fame, display the merits of our children as if they were trophies on a shelf, and discount the true need to feel comfortable with each other. We have, to this day failed to simply learn how to TRUST other women. And this attitude has made us fail in electing a strong, intelligent, and highly qualified woman as President of the United States!
When and what will it take to make women feel comfortable with other women and allow their comfort to elect other women to more political offices, executive roles in business, so that we can balance out the playing field and feel comfortable in our own skin, earn equal pay with men, and advance as leaders and role models for everyone without fear of gender recrimination? We, as women, are responsible for this change. Women control their own destinies just as men have controlled their own destiny for millenniums! We can do it if the desire, strength, trust, and camaraderie exists among us.
‘The 2018 United State of Women Summit’ was recently held in Los Angeles and featured the common sense views of Michelle Obama. “We’re still taught to be perfect and to dream about weddings and the security of Prince Charming. I wish that girls could fail as badly as men do and still be okay. Men blow it up and still win. Women hold ourselves to certain standards. If we want our daughters to dream bigger than we did, we have more work to do. We made it to ‘the table’ but now....we have to be willing to take some risks. If we, initially, fail, we pick ourselves back up and start over again until we win. We, as women, tend to shame/blame each other. We need support from other women in order to be an advocate of change.” Thank you, Michelle, for your insight and courage to step outside of the box, stir things up, and make change happen.
Hope. That’s all we need to make change happen. We hope that all women will, eventually, recognize themselves as strong individuals. Many men, whether raised this way or having come around to seeing that women play an equal role in our society, are out there, cheering us on. The challenges in front of women remain great and our work to combat these challenges is a never ending story. As long as there is Hope, the earth will rumble and the barriers will come tumbling down, brick by brick, stone by stone. We must learn to honor one another and not be pulled apart by suspicion, guilt, or lack of trust. We must stop being our own worst enemies from this point on.
I want to wish ALL WOMEN a Happy Mother’s Day this Sunday! We are all nurturers in our own right, whether it be to our own children and grandchildren, step children, adopted children, family and friends, our beloved pet children....we are strong and loving humans who desire to bring joy into the lives of others, in the best way we know how. Equal wishes to all of the men who carry out the important roles of parenting within the realm of single parenting and more... Love to us all!
Copyright © 2018 by Jacqueline E. Hughes
All rights reserved
